30,000 and Counting

I was on my way to visit a friend in Bellingham when the odometer on my Tenere rolled over to 30,000 miles.

There is nothing particularly meaningful about that number. It could just as easily have been 34,056 and the day would have carried on exactly the same. But milestone numbers have a way of making us pause, if only for a moment. As I watched the digits change, I found myself thinking back to where the motorcycle, and I, had been when it crossed 20,000.

The answer wasn't measured in miles. It was measured in the conversations that changed me, the places that quieted me, the people I met, and the versions of myself I slowly left behind.

Most of these thoughts came to me a few days earlier while riding south on Highway 101 toward the Redwoods with Timber. (Yes, the same Timber from Unrepeatable Moment.) I covered roughly 1,575 miles over five days, but the distance was almost beside the point. For hours at a time there was only the steady rhythm of the engine, the wind pressing against my shoulders, and whatever thoughts decided to catch up with me. 

Somewhere between home and the California coast, I realized this past year hadn't made me into the person I thought I was becoming. Instead, it made me slower to judge, quicker to laugh, more willing to ask questions, more grateful for ordinary mornings, and fiercely protective of my peace. Looking back, those feel like milestones worth paying attention to.

These thoughts were jotted down or spoken into my notes while I was riding, I have grouped them by topic for ease of reading. Some I have expanded on in previous dispatches, others will likely become their own dispatch as their is a full story behind each one. While I work on writing the longer form dispatches I felt like sharing these notes from the road.

Rally The Pup

1. I have never had a puppy before. All of my dogs have come into my life as adults. The first few months were an interesting mix of “oh god what is in your mouth” and “don’t put that in your mouth”. Even with that, and the countless nights of steam vacuuming ‘accidents’ out of the carpet yet again, I would not trade a single moment. 

2. Not usually one to enjoy fast food establishments, but there is something to splitting a 10 piece chicken McNuggets with Rally. He does love his chicken nuggies. I usually try to get the baked or fried chicken from a grocery deli and then sit picking it apart and handing him pieces. But on the road, chicken nuggies are the go to for keeping the mess down.

3. Getting to know who Rally is, and watching his personality form while at the same time seeing how he is picking up on traits from me, has been interesting. He is so loving and affectionate, and generally does great around people. I recently realized he gets overstimulated by lots of people and it is right about the same time I do. 

Motorcycles

1. Nearly every motorcycle rider I have encountered has been super friendly and wants to talk to me about my bike like we have been friends for the past five years already. We almost always exchange numbers and contact information. Didn’t our parents warn us about strangers?

   

2. At first I was a bit cautious of the common tropes and stereotypes around certain other riders. Guys rolling up in their cuts (leather vest), big Harleys, owning whatever space they are in as a ‘club’. There I am with a squishy pink dragon on the tower of my adventure bike. I am definitely not one of them, yet, they generally have all had my back on the road, including the Hell’s Angels when I was passing through their home town. Feel safer with them than with the cars. Maybe it’s because I am a gal, and also because of what I ride and how I look. When they notice it’s a woman riding, I tend to get protected like a sister/wife/lover. Not aggressively pursued or chased off. 

3. There is this look I catch every now and then on an older woman’s face when she realizes that under all of my moto gear I am a woman. Maybe I am crafting a story here, but I like to think that the smile and the twinkle in the eye is the ‘feminist fuck yes’. In my mind this is one of the women that was born to a woman of first wave feminism days (1900-1930), and perhaps found herself in her adulthood really feeling the pull of second wave feminism (1960-1980) but was perhaps still trapped in social norms. So, she sees me just rolling up unabashed, and not bothered by those social norms, and it's a recognition. “We have finally made forward progress”. It may be wishful thinking I know. 

4. You become disturbingly intimate with planning any and all trips based on how you might manage peeing, hydration, and fatigue. It is completely different than being in a car. Sleepiness has come in dangerous ways that I have never experienced before. Slow traffic and cars (not that I speed) have caused a level of boredom that has made me zone out in an unsafe way. Broad daylight, music is going, and we are just moving along. I nearly fell asleep at the handlebars. I am now hyper attentive to any signs of fatigue in my body or my mind and will pull over and go for a walk. When I am in a car it is easy enough to push through those fatigue points, they don’t hit the same. 

Personal Growth

1. Healing has looked a lot less like overcoming something, and more like slowly making room for joy again. 

2. Not everyone is capable of holding gentleness in their hearts and actions. When you find someone that can, and can do so around you, honor it. It has been hard for me this past year. I realized I was looking for ‘gentleness’ and ‘kindness’ in people that are just not capable of giving it to me. It left me feeling like I was the one that messed things up.

   

3. People with good intentions, and that mean well, can still hurt you. They don’t have an idea how hurtful they are. It is up to you to say something, or adjust why you feel the pain. The really painful moment is when you realize that all of us have been this person to someone else. We may have not been fully aware of the pain we caused because the person never spoke up. 

4. Some terms that were new to me this year, or gained a deeper meaning, the first is Campfire Theory. This is not a theory, but a metaphor about how different people come into your life and interact with your ‘fire’ (your energy, warmth, and life stages). You have the fair-weather friends that just pull up a chair for a few minutes when the fire is bright and warm, but the moment it is quieter or harder they vanish. Then the seasonal companions; these may stay for a few hours sharing stories and chapters of your life, but eventually drift away when the circumstances change. Lastly are the rare keepers; these are the few that stay till the last embers burn, the night is cold, and your flames grow low. They don’t disappear, instead they bring more wood and help you rebuild your fire. 

   

5. Another new term is ‘Lighthouse theory’ - A metaphor for self-worth and attraction over desperation. A lighthouse does not run around the ocean trying to save or catch passing ships; it stays rooted where it is at. That living where you are at, is living your most authentic self, and doing so unapologetically. Doing that, you emit a ‘light’ that guides the right people to you. The ones that aren’t for your light will drift away. 

6. Two more terms that really hit hard this last year were ‘Limerance’ and ‘Soul Catalyst’. Limerence is this romantic obsession with someone while desperately craving reciprocity. Usually at the start of a connection or relationship, and it is not a healthy sign. I had this with a few people over the last year, and when I finally had a name for it, I understood why I felt so disregulated. Whereas a Soul Catalyst is someone that comes into your life temporarily and they act as a turning point in your life. This person often feels like a lightning bolt and it breaks you from a stagnant routine. Challenging your comfort zone so you can demand better, dream bigger, and step into a new you. 

7. Sometimes all we as people want is to be seen for who we think we are. 

Random

1. Music is an example of how memories are alive, not fixed. They are malleable, they grow, they shapeshift. A song comes on and it reminds you of a certain moment. With time that moment softens, you probably forget the sharp details, and only remember the feeling. A nostalgic fuzzy somewhere in your chest. 

2. Baby cows in a grass field; still to this day are a sign of pure joy. This also goes for lambs, kids (goats) and generally any baby livestock in a grass field.

3. I believe online reviews a lot less now. I will almost always take the recommendation of a local, even if the place turns out to be less than stellar. Why? Because most reviews have been posted by people passing through and they only get the super shallow and superficial experience. The ‘Give me my coffee as fast as possible I need to get moving’ type. I am finding myself actively wanting to slow down a lot more, and being okay with the fact that my meal takes a little longer, or the coffee isn’t fast. Maybe I can talk to the person behind the counter for a little bit. 

4. One small decision can, and often does, completely alter the course of your life. You don’t realize how much you have changed course till you look back and say something like “that day I bought the motorcycle”.

I am penning this as I ride back from the trip to the Redwoods with Timber. Yesterday, we woke up and parted ways after breakfast. Him heading south towards his home, me, turning the handlebars north for a day and a half back to my own home. I am hoping to tell more of that story at some point, but for now, I am managing my fatigue on the ride home with stops by nice viewpoints to try and make sense of the notes I spoke into my phone while riding. The Cardo microphone picks up most of it, but with the wind noise and some of my babbling nonsense, there are about another 15-20 that did not make it to publication. I am not even sure what I said or meant at that moment. Perhaps that is the lasting the thought, not everything needs to be committed to memory.

BOOK: Be Water, My Friend: The Teachings of Bruce Lee - Shannon Lee I listened to this book while riding to Moab last year, and it really helped me during some of my mental struggle at the time. For a long time I have appreciated Bruce Lee's approach to life, and I appreciate that this book argues he is a modern day philosopher. Bruce Lee is buried near where I call home both growing up and now, so he was always a 'figure' in the canon of life.

SONG: Send Me On Way - Rusted Root

This song always makes me smile when I hear it. Example of memory being malleable and growing. I can think of so many great memories associated with it, and becoming beautiful and fun.

If you would like to see some more behind the scenes, go check out this post on substack

Thank you for reading my post. This post/essay, like many of the ones I write, is a blend of my personal experiences, travel, memories, stories, and shared conversations. These solely represent myself and my opinions and thoughts. When it involves personal friends I have given them nicknames unless they have given explicit permission to use their given name. There are times that I am able to pull from what I wrote down in my journals at the time an event happened, others I am trying to recall memories that have been altered by brain injuries and a lifetime of simply living. I may not always get it right, so please forgive me for some unintentional variations.

I always welcome feedback and thoughts on my posts. Please feel free to send me an email or comment below.

Love from the road,

Nic & Rally